Parenting for not parents
Today I listened to one of the 10 most popular TED talks for 2023, Becky Kennedy’s, The single most important parenting strategy. Even though I do not have kids yet, I think about the relationship with my parents very often in the last couple of months. Definitely reconnecting was never part of their parenting strategies. What would reconnecting imply? Recognizing your own emotions, feelings, and reactions, and reassuring your kid that it was not their fault. Also, making a commitment for the future you. Those notions were quite unpopular in the 90s when my parents had the pleasure to raise me.
Before this starts to sound like I am hating my parents, let me be clear. I love them, I am grateful to them for the way they raised me, and I am absolutely sure they love me and are proud of my achievements. That being said, I do not think they actually know me, or my achievements. I talk to them daily, and I visit them weekly and yet, they do not seem interested in finding out who have I become as an adult and what my hopes, dreams, fears, or worries are. According to my psychologist this is because they see me as an object (daughter), rather than a subject (me). So, as a daughter I have responsibilities towards them and they have quite a long list of expectations towards me. The rest is not important.
Another interesting thing on the topic I heard recently was that our parents made a great transition from using physical punishments to only verbal ones and we cannot expect that transition to be so great that they eliminate the verbal aggression too in this short timeframe. It is true that most people my age (me included) were never punished physically, but there was a lot of yelling and emotional outbursts. I am not the right person to say which one is worse. Our mission though, as parents of the 21st century is to become even better and eliminate that emotional and psychological harassment which comes often from people’s inability to acknowledge their emotions.
We are supposed to be a generation that is more aware, has access to all information in the world, and has the right tools and support systems in place to handle parenthood better. I know that I am not supposed to even think about the subject before I am a parent myself (as parents usually say “sorry, but you do not have children, so you do not know what it is like”), but maybe that’s part of the issue. We are being taught about pretty much everything — from math to how to cook a meal, but we are not prepared for what it means to care about another human being, which is not your property, not an extension of you, but a totally separate individual. This is an immense responsibility which is either taken too lightly, or too seriously (I have friends expecting a child and I was listening last night to all the horrible ways a newborn could suffocate).
To me, there are two things that I hope I will be able to do if I have a child:
- Connect
- Reconnect
The first point is no less important, as spending time with someone does not mean you are having quality time with them. Talking to them, does not mean you are asking the right questions. Caring does not mean you care for the right reasons. Parenting is for sure more complex and difficult than anything else in life, but it is worth addressing it with at least part of the same structure, awareness, and tools, as we do when learning to drive a car for example.
I will let you know how it goes if I have a kid.
