Fail Fast
It’s difficult to talk about failure, there is no easy way to do it. Even though this topic is becoming more and more trendy and companies promote failing fast, you still cannot hear employees talk about it in the hallways (or on virtual gathering nowadays). It’s just that we are programmed since a very little age to be ashamed of failure and to always strive for success (or at least the socially acceptable version of it).
I was asked to recently share one big failure of mine and while having some difficulties choosing between the many failures I had, I decided to talk about my first job. I started very young, 13 days after I turned 18, I did not even know where I was going for an interview and what was I supposed to do. I got the only advantage of knowing Italian and I got the job. I spent 5 years in that company and I felt amazing every single day of that journey. I got promoted internally, I was very close with my colleagues, they were my family and big part of my life. Eventually I got offered a managerial position and I accepted it, honored and humbled of being recognized and selected without even applying. The big failure happened when we had to cut part of the team and the managers were too much compared to the employees. So…one manager had to go. I won’t go into details of the why’s and the how’s of that process, it really does not matter now. I was hopeful until the end that I would not be the chosen one, but reality hit hard.
I was laid off and I was devastated. I was ashamed to tell my parents, my friends, I felt like a huge failure, I cried for a few days, I was depressed, scared, worried about my future, doubtful of myself and my abilities, I was hurt, I was angry and betrayed. I was also shocked, as I believed I was performing really good, I was even employee of the year, promoted several times. I just could not get it.
So, how did I come out of it? At that time I did not know any methodologies and techniques for overcoming failure, I did not know fancy words such as post-traumatic growth. This word and concept became very popular during the COVID pandemic, as most of us worldwide experienced this situation as a trauma. The idea is that with time (as you really cannot feel the benefits right away) a person who went through trauma can recognize their own personal strengths, can re-prioritize their life, and trigger some growth and positive personal changes. Failure causes trauma and trauma can make us better in a way.
To make it brief, I was able to overcome my big personal failure because of the story I told myself about this failure. The story you are telling yourself triggers your emotions, your emotions trigger your actions, and your actions trigger the outcomes, the end results. Words are very powerful, they shape our reality and it is crucial what is our narrative. If I would have told myself back then that I am a failure, I am no good, I cannot achieve anything good in my life, I would have felt like that and I would have probably decided to jump on a low profile job which would have probably changed my career path completely. Instead, I told myself that this situation doesn’t mean I am a failure, it just happened and I can recover and be whatever I want to be. So, I applied for jobs that I really wanted and I eventually got a managerial position I liked. And I am proud and happy of what I’ve become. So, remember the story — not everything we tell ourselves is true. And we tend to tell ourselves a story that it is much worse that objectively it is.
Since then, I failed a thousand times, big failures, and small ones. I am still afraid to fail on many different occasions, especially when I compare to other people I find successful. We all tend to do that and we fall in an emotional deficit. We also do not celebrate our small wins, while at the same time we can blow out of proportion the most insignificant failures.
My survival recipe at the moment evolves around Sheryl Sandberg’s 3 P’s — it is not personal, it is not pervasive, and most of all, it is not permanent. Bouncing back is difficult, it is easier said than done, but if you can sit down, write down your story, go through the 3 P’s and make a plan forward for yourself, then it might become better to manage. Having a hobby, a coping mechanism is also crucial. For me, that’s sport and dancing, for other people might be walking, hiking, painting, cooking, etc. Another crucial aspect is your support system. We all need people around us who we know love us and have our best interest at heart, but who can also give us a more objective evaluation and point us in the right direction.
Failure is part of life, and as J.K. Rowling said in a speech — the only people who do not fail, are the ones who are so afraid to get out of their comfort zone, that they fail life as a whole. Failure and growth do not go together, so be brave, be bold, be curious. It will get better, I promise!
