Attitude is everything!

Have you ever worked with a person who sees everything in black? Or maybe that was a friend or a family member who does not appreciate all the good that happens to them, but instead focuses only on the bad things?

I think that each of us has such a person in their circle, I for sure do. What I have been trying to do since day 1 though is to try and change that person’s views and attitudes. Wrooong.

I have already learned lesson #1. You cannot change other people’s views and opinions. Period. No matter how hard you try, it is just not going to happen. Of course there are some good techniques each of us can learn to be a better listener and disputer, but still, the other person often does not look for our well laid arguments, they just want to be heard and feel understood. This is especially true for complaints and “everything sucks” monologues. I remember thinking — “Why is this person sharing this and that, if they do not want my advice?” I was getting frustrated, as I am a problem-solver type of person. You come to me with an issue — I come up with different potential solutions to that issue. Wrooong.

I am fascinated with psychology and something interesting I came across is the concept of Positive psychology. Basically it tells us that we cannot change reality, but we can change the way we see reality. Our happiness is 90% based on our perceptions and beliefs. We are constantly surrounded by bad news, just turn on the TV. We spend our work lives discussing problems and how to overcome obstacles. We almost never stop to celebrate small wins and successes. Celebration of such insignificant (at first glance) moments is also part of building resilience, overcome failure, imposter syndrome, and a variety of other diagnosis.

It all comes down to a choice, our choice. Will you spend your time focusing on the things that did not go as you expected them to, or will you change your perspective and look at the situation from different angles? My recipe is the following:

• If it really hurts, let it soak. Talk it out, cry it out, eat chocolate and drink wine. Give it a couple of hours or a good night sleep and get over it. No more drama
• If it really matters, figure out what good can come out of the situation. Can this be an opportunity for something else to happen?
• If answer to the above is YES — DO IT! If it is a NO — learn from it and forget about it
• Share your experience with others

I know it sounds easy, but it is a practice and it is a habit. It is especially difficult when it touches your emotions, or it is very personal, but you can make it happen. Since I started doing this, I have never had 2 bad days in a row, fixating on the same issue. If we become positive in the present, our brains start to work better. The dopamine turns up our learning centers in the brain, makes us more receptive and eventually — more happy. It is all connected and every single thought matters.

I am currently dealing with a person that is a great professional, but has attitude issues. The ones that can poison an entire team or organization, as the narrative is mostly focused on what goes wrong. I am struggling to deal with them, as my personality is very different — I am a positive, optimistic person who can tell you at least several good things about death :) Instead of fixating on changing them, I am slowly trying to show empathy and plant some small seeds of doubt in their views and opinions. I am also talking mostly about potential consequences, instead of trying to impose my arguments. Will this be successful? Who knows? I do believe that everyone can change, but only if they are willing to. My job is to support, guide, and trust. The rest will follow.